Words, as harsh as they can be, can also heal any open wound if we allow them to. “you are beautiful regardless of what they say” she whispers in my year near the balcony at the Irish pub. She hugs me tight and tells me to stay strong. I am her inspiration, kind of like a love song. See, I know I can aspire to inspire but to actually hear someone say that I inspire them to be better makes all the difference in my life. They all know what im facing and look at me with pity. I’m a borderline alcoholic with too much alcohol in her system. Im mixing toxins and engaging in unprotected sex and all for what? To feel alive? To feel good? To feel beautiful? These men feed of my insecurities and I feed off their fake affection. We feed each other’s egos’ with sex and cigarettes. I don’t know how to act if I don’t feel wanted. I only know how to exist when I am wanted. Girls like me are hardly ever wanted, you know. I’m used up and sad and drunk and perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up and tell me that I did good. but I didn’t do good. I failed at this, and failed at that and feel victim to this and fell victim to that. And all for what, to feel alive, free and liberated? I feel humiliated and ashamed. That jerk Turkish guy had the nerve to look me straight in the eye and push me away like I was some piece of garbage he had already used. Or that other guy who found it funny to insult my weight because as he put it “if your going to act like a man, you better take it like a man” so there wasn’t any room for me to feel sensitive. All I wanted and all I still want is for someone to help me out and stand and sleep by my side regardless. But I guess I cant have that until I learn to love and respect myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to go on a journey of self-discovery. And that journey starts tonight.
Feeding my insecurities standing in front of the mirror I think about calling him. I need some company. So I do, and I ask him to come over. This is the last time, I need to tell him, this is the last time. I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep going down this track. He is convinced I want him more than anyone and anything and he will be doing me a favor by showing up. He thinks I want his body to feast on, but all I wanted was not to be alone for a few hours. I take another look into the mirror; I’m in nothing but a pair of blue panties and I begin to think why would anyone want me, seriously, why? And no one does. And those who claim they do are lying. At least some, like him, are honest about it. I’m just someone they see when they can’t get the girls really want and love, and it’s okay, because I play that role pretty well. I allow myself to be this person, this female, this body, this empty physical thing, but I couldn’t hide how uninterested I was this time around. How can I tell him I just need a friend and not a lover? Because I know I deserve better than a daytime hookup and little to no conversation.
Yes, it might be that I am too invested in this world and this lifetime to care much about what sex means, but regardless, sex still doesn’t mean much to me. “But how come” you might ask, as one of my readers did by emailing me asking what my virginity meant to me and it’s importance in my life. Well let us say it has a lot to do with my upbringing and the society I grew up in. I lived in a society that put too much weight on female virginity and not much on male virginity not due to religious reasons but due to cultural reasons. The fact that you can “prove” a woman is a virgin or not, controlled the way my society perceived sex. However, personally, I don’t believe that a hymen or the lack of one is in any way a representation of virginity. Women can tear their hymen by doing exercise and other such things and some woman are born without it. So who is to say someone has had sex or not based on some tissue in the body. It is absurd! I never really understood why everyone made such a big deal out of sex. I did for a while because that was how I was brought up and taught to think, but once I got a bit older and wasn’t afraid to think on my own, I began to notice that sex is just part of human nature and that sex is great! Maybe that is why God has made it forbidden before marriage, to test our patience because it seriously is great if you are doing it right.
I absolutely despise the notion that women need not to have sex to be seen as pure. That a women’s worth is between her legs and if she keeps them crossed or not is a judgment of her character. We are sexual beings, born to reproduce and mate, and it’s a misconception that males think and like sex more than females. It consumes both genders thought process in one way or the other. I would like to point out clearly that my worth isn’t set in my virginity or the presence of something between my legs or the lack there off anything. No man can control me by penetrating my body nor can he control me by pleasing me sexually. Matter of fact, I refuse the idea that anyone can control me or anyone else unless we allow them too. So to answer my readers’ question, my virginity means nothing to me because it doesn’t indicate a damn thing about who I am or how “good” or “bad” of a person I am.
However, however, however, this does not mean in anyway that I believe my body and all bodies are not sacred. I truly believe that a person should be able to choose whom they wan to expose their bodies to and cover their bodies up in front of those they don’t want to show their bodies to. I feel like we should all just relax and stop making a big deal out of sex. It’s great, it’s fun, it’s casual.
Punch line sweet, im confused by how this whole situation makes me feel. Your nothing to me, you’re just another one of many with your testosterone and manly male odor and cologne, but wait, you don’t wear cologne, I must have mistaken you for the other one who I took home after you told me you liked me and wanted me for the rest of the night. I had to teach you a lesson, and so I did, but he also taught me a lesson, one which made me feel less than everyone else. I don’t remember much of him but I know I didn’t want to be there, he was amusing for a second yet a douche bag for taking me back in the first place after I fell on my side and took off my heals in the middle of the dance floor but I guess he knows what he wants and I like a guy who knows what he wants, don’t I? You told me I embarrassed you and now you cant brag, well darling that’s okay but I’m not just piece of ass to brag out about, at least not to you and you know what I am saying happens to be very true since you confessed it all just one week ago. As for him, he didn’t mean much; he was just another guy with the nerve to go after what he wants. So that brings my total up, and no one will ever guess how high or how low for that matter, because I’m all bark and no bite, well I bite sometimes, but that’s just to leave a mark on your neck. And today as I sat alone waiting for another him to call back, I looked for other perspective lovers in the walls of this school I hate, and I choose them by height but I don’t know why it just didn’t feel like the right thing to do. I felt like I owe more than respect and more than what I have already given up to you in bed. So baby let us just lie here for now until we figure out if I scared you away or not.
In the series of events, that night happened a few months too late yet a few months just right. I’ve never noticed you or any guy for that matter; I had my eye on one and one only so nothing else mattered, no one else mattered. All of them meant nothing but physical contact and sexual fulfillment, until I ran into you, or was pulled towards you by some unknown power or maybe just plain alcohol. You say you don’t remember this and you say you don’t remember much of me that night but I remember it all, and if it’s true that we say what we really feel when we are intoxicated, then we might have a problem. As I kissed down your neck you stopped me and told me you loved me, but weren’t in love with me, but you loved the idea of me. This confused confident creature you never had the nerve to talk to. You loved the fact that 2 Long Island Ice Teas gave you the push you needed to pull me closer to you on the dance floor. I thought it was pretty cute yet pretty sad that you needed something to intoxicate you for you to talk to me.
You were gone, in la-la land, you were beyond ecstatic, you couldn’t believe your eyes. I’ve never had a man look at me the way you did that night, ever. It filled and penetrated me with confidence and these unknown emotions and all I wanted to do was to make you happy at that moment and forever. How have I never noticed you? You tell me you’ve watched me for years and wanted me since then, and the only thing I could think is “oh fuck you fate”. Why now, why tonight, why this time around. All night you would stop me while I spoke to kiss me and tell me I’m beautiful and every time we argued and I threatened to leave you pulled me back and begged me not to leave your side. It was simply sweet.
I needed that night to happen to make sure it wasn’t me that was flawed, that it was a by-product of my illness, that it was the hypomanic, hyposexualized me and not the “real” me, that did those things to make myself feel better. Maybe I wasn’t such a bad person and I didn’t hurt people for fun and maybe I do feel regret. But that night needed to happen. And the events that followed needed to happen. I needed to make sure. I broke rules for you and made you an exception because for once I didn’t choose you, you chose me.
* This is for a photography project im working on
I had/have alot of guy friends, and yeah the tend to trust me (i think and hope so) and we talk about things openly, things like sex, money, girls they like, hookups, guys i like or they like, food, video games, school, religion, etc etc. However, I cant help but feel like there are somethings they won’t dare say to my face. So I was wondering if the guys who read and follow my blog might give me some insight to the male mind and how guys think. You can share a story or a thought process or anything you want. Also, please send it on anon if you can. I’d rather not know who sent what. Leave your thoughts in the comment section. My tumblr and facebook friends can also comment.
Things to think about while sharing: Love, Religion, Sex, Relationships, and Lifestyle.
Thanks loves xx
This photo says it all! Its easy to just have sex but to open up to someone, to let them into your mind and soul, to expose yourself like that to someone is to really be naked and fully exposed emotionally and psychologically. It’s a beautiful thing.
Happy Valentines Day my loves! I’m not a huge fan of this holiday but for those in love and in a relationship, it’s a great day filled with love, kisses, good food and sex. Yes, amazing passionate sex. Well I would only hope the sex two people in love are having is amazing, because if it isn’t, that would be really sad. I mean, sex and reproducing is the reason we fall in love, right? Evolutionary speaking, we fall in love so we can provide a healthy and supportive household for our offspring to live in. Religiously, we fall in love with that one person so we can complete half our religion, have sex with only one person, have children and give them a good and religious upbringing. I don’t know why we fall in love but we do. But this post isn’t about love though; it’s about sex and what we will do, as sexual beings, to have it and get it. In this post Ill be sharing stories I’ve heard as a college student over brunch, at pre-games, during girls night out, and over facebook. I will be changing the names of everyone who is involved. So enjoy this post, it tells the story of college relationships and how sex plays a huge role in being a college student.
Story #1- The virgin in love:
Jessie and James have been dating for about 6 months when they decided to have sex for the first time. James, an average looking guy, was very patient with his hot 10/10 girlfriend, who was afraid that having sex would change their relationship. So the first time they decided to have sex, they had “technical difficulties” where James couldn’t get it up because of all the pressure and all of the foreplay. This, ofcourse, made Jessie cry because she felt as if he couldn’t get it up because he wasn’t attracted to her. The tried again the next night and got it done. They were in love and both experienced sex for the first time together. It’s really sweet, I know! They both weren’t good at it since they were both virgins. However, a year and a half after having sex, James still complains that Jessie isn’t good in bed. “She just sits there” he tells me, “and makes me do all the work.” Jessie is into romantic, slow, guy on top, kind of sex, and from my understanding, James just wants quickies all the time.
Story #2- The friend of a friend:
Alex and Tommy knew each other through alex’s roommate. Alex, who gave off an innocent vibe through the way she dressed and interacted with guys. Alex was a virgin who wanted her first time to be a one-night stand. She was in town before school started and not many people where in town. She wanted to start her school year as a new person and that meant having sex. Tommy happened to be in town, relatively attractive, and seemed to be into her. After hanging out one night, Tommy tried to make a move but was interrupted by a group of friends. The few nights that followed, Alex decided she wanted him. She texted him telling him to come over but he didn’t. A few days passed and Tommy texted her saying he wanted to see her. She was already busy with other friends she hadn’t seen I awhile so she told him she would text him when she was free. She got herself supper drunk, and called him at midnight. As soon as he walked in he was surprised to see her in a sexy nightgown but he tried to be a gentlemen about it so he walked in and just sat down. Alex knew what she wanted and just sat down, looked at him and things took off. He had no clue she was a virgin and I don’t think he know till today that he took her virginity. Alex talked to me about that night and gave me all the details of what happened, and what stood out to me was that his “guy parts” where small, and this surprised her because of his ethnicity and the stereotype. Alex’s friend often joke that it wasn’t the greatest start to her sex life, since Tommy was horrible in bed, but they also say that she should thank god it was small, you know as it being her first time.
Story #3: The bar pickup:
Liala had a tendency to sleep around. She liked having sex with different men every weekend and it made her feel empowered. It was a Saturday night, and as per usual, Liala was at a bar on the corner, however, there weren’t many people there. It was around 11:30pm and she began to get bored so we went up to two guys and asked of a cigarette. They were both equally unattractive but one had braces, so she knew which one she wasn’t taking home. After the cigarette she asked them both to dance and as soon as she got on the dance floor ditched the brace-face. 3 minutes in and she was already grinding on Lex, who happened to be an African American man with a beer belly. A few minutes later they were making out on the dance floor, when he pushed her to the wall and told her they HAD to get out of there and go back to her place since he had a roommate, brace-face. They had sex for 4 hours, and according to her he orgasmed 3 times in those 4 hours. He passed out on her bed and she didn’t like sleeping next to strangers so she slept on the couch and kicked him out at 7 am. She ofcourse was drunk enough not to care how he looked but damn he was great in bed, so she says. Well he must have been since they became fuck buddies for a few weeks until he told her he was falling in love with her.
Story #4: “Do you even go here?”
Jim was a pothead. All he did at any given day after sunset was smoke weed. He didnt have a fake ID so he couldn’t go out to bars with the rest of his friends so he either stayed in for the weekend or went to frat parties. On one Friday night, he was sitting outside minding his own business when a girl appeared out of nowhere. She was just starting to hook up with a guy and for some reason she didn’t and left. She ran into Jim and asked him if he had seen her wallet that she dropped earlier. Jim, being a nice guy, tried to help her find it. As a reward she kissed him and things went from there. She told him what happened with the other guy and that she was visiting from another school for an athletic event, so Jim saw a nice opportunity. They had a nice night together, she wasn’t great, she just laid there. The next morning she sneaked out and Jim thought to himself that it was great having a one night stand until a month later when she texted him that she might be pregnant. First thing, Jim had no clue how she got his number, second, he was freaked out. Apparently she was having “irregular” periods but wasn’t really pregnant, so this story had a nice ending, for Jim that is.
Story #5: “I woke up sore and dehydrated!”
Ella asked her good friend, Bill, to accompany her to a date function for her sorority. Ella’s best friend was also supposed to go with her boyfriend but at the last minute, they canceled. So it was only Ella and Bill. They had been friends for a couple of months and had never talked about sleeping together since they were just friends. At the date function, Ella had one to many drinks, and Bill was very bored so they decided to leave and go back to her place to hang out for the rest of the night. Once they got back, they began speaking and Ella had a point to prove to him, so she began seducing him. She took him back to her room and they had awkward sex. Bill was so uncomfortable that he couldn’t even finish. To Ella, it was one of the worst sexual experiences ever, but apparently it was great for Bill! He texted her the next day saying “ I woke up sore and dehydrated, I think I had a good night!”
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m craving this heart full, body paralyzing, “ I cant breath” kind of feeling. Its time I found out where he has been hiding. On the playground as a 5 year old, the boy who was in love with me would chase me around all I did was physically push him to the ground. Bad habits die hard, and I never grew out of the habit of pushing guys down.
Number 4 tried to tell me he loved me, wanted to take walks and talk but I laughed in his face and pushed him back on the bed. Number 5 knew what I was all about so he pushed me on the ground. He bruised my ego telling me no, and I bruised my knees trying to get him to stay a little longer. They all wanted to stay, why didn’t he? Maybe because he has seen me down off my thrown where I give them orders and they do as I please. Maybe because I relaxed, let my body feel what it needed to feel that he feels I’m too cheap for him. I could have sworn we had a moment between the stripped sheets where he stopped, looked me straight in the eyes, smiled and kissed my forehead. But maybe I was wrong.
Number 6 knew what he wanted and didn’t have the strength to go for it. He saw me in action, rejecting one after the other. He wouldn’t move an inch closer till I moved first. He wasn’t a real man so I pushed him down and never pulled him up by his hair for us to meet eye to eye. Numbers 1 and 2 never wanted anything more or less from me so it worked out. What I liked about them is that they went for it. They knew. Number 1 tried to turn me into a long-term relationship but out of habit I pushed him down and gave same love and affection to all his friends. Then there are all the numbers I haven’t filled yet. It could be anyone. I feel pity towards the guys that love me. They either know we too well or don’t know me well enough, either way, im not healthy to have in your life. However, I still crave that heart full, body paralyzing out of breath feeling and I wont stop until I have had enough of it.
I want all that is not mine. I wanted each and everyone of you because there was a moment in time that I felt I couldn’t have you. To all my past lovers, thank you sweethearts for loving me for a couple of hours. Thank you for putting up with my insecurities and all my “I’m not good enough” moments. Thank you for putting up with me ignoring your presence when I didn’t feel like dealing with you and still picking up every time I called. Thank you to the few of you that fell for me. Thank you for wanting to hold me in your arms when all I wanted was to kick you out of my bed. Thank you for putting up with my controlling self. Thank you for caring for those hours we spent. I’m sorry for kicking you out at 5am, making you take safe ride or walk back to where you live instead of letting you spend the night. Sorry for hurting you by kissing all your friends. Sorry for laughing in your face when you asked to be more than what we were. Sorry for rejecting you time after time. Sorry for being mean and bitter towards you. Darlings, you all put a smile on my face, and even though I regret almost every single one of you, I just wanted to say thank you.
A week ago I had a nice little talk with my mother about everything she has done wrong regarding explaining sex to me as a teenager. She just assumed that as soon as I was suppose to have sex, that is my wedding night in her book, I would magically know what to do. Thankfully, schools now teach sex ed, and it’s not that what they teach is any help at all but it initiates conversation between students. I learnt almost 65% of what I know about sex from my friends and schoolmates. I went to an all girls’ school, and even though the whole idea of being in an all girls’ school is to remove the idea of sex, sex was always the center of all of our conversations. I have always been fascinated by sex. It is the most human and basic action we can do. It is a language everyone speaks, some better than others of course, and it basically explains our existence. My favorite dinner topic is talking about my friend’s sex lives and I think it is very healthy to discuss our sex lives with one another. Everything we do revolves around sex. The way we dress, the way we talk, what we like to do, etc. Sex is a huge part of my life. It almost affects everything that I do. Despite wearing the head scarf, the symbol of modesty and chaste, I still try and dress sexy or at least things that make me feel sexy. From the color of my shoes to the scent I choose to wear, everything revolves around attracting the opposite sex. Maybe it is the dancer in me but body language says a lot to me. I like to study people’s body language; it is fascinating! People say so much with our bodies, eyes, and lips without saying a word. At time I try and censor my body language at time so I wont reveal my emotions or sexual interests. But sometimes even I cant. I can’t stop my hips from sawing a bit more, smiling more, or parting my lips while talking to someone I am really attracted to. Another thing that fascinates me is the difference between how the genders receive and react to body language from the opposite sex. I don’t know much about how men react except for the physical “changes” I notice, but women, we read into everything. I read an article in Cosmo that was dedicated to decoding men’s body language. Honestly, most of the things mentioned were hilarious and so specific. For example, they say to study the way he crosses his feet, to what kind of smile he gives, to how many times he rises his eyebrows. Thing is, women really do notice these things which is what makes it funny. Cosmo also says that men aren’t as observant as women and that a smile is enough body language for them.[