Words, as harsh as they can be, can also heal any open wound if we allow them to. “you are beautiful regardless of what they say” she whispers in my year near the balcony at the Irish pub. She hugs me tight and tells me to stay strong. I am her inspiration, kind of like a love song. See, I know I can aspire to inspire but to actually hear someone say that I inspire them to be better makes all the difference in my life. They all know what im facing and look at me with pity. I’m a borderline alcoholic with too much alcohol in her system. Im mixing toxins and engaging in unprotected sex and all for what? To feel alive? To feel good? To feel beautiful? These men feed of my insecurities and I feed off their fake affection. We feed each other’s egos’ with sex and cigarettes. I don’t know how to act if I don’t feel wanted. I only know how to exist when I am wanted. Girls like me are hardly ever wanted, you know. I’m used up and sad and drunk and perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up and tell me that I did good. but I didn’t do good. I failed at this, and failed at that and feel victim to this and fell victim to that. And all for what, to feel alive, free and liberated? I feel humiliated and ashamed. That jerk Turkish guy had the nerve to look me straight in the eye and push me away like I was some piece of garbage he had already used. Or that other guy who found it funny to insult my weight because as he put it “if your going to act like a man, you better take it like a man” so there wasn’t any room for me to feel sensitive. All I wanted and all I still want is for someone to help me out and stand and sleep by my side regardless. But I guess I cant have that until I learn to love and respect myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to go on a journey of self-discovery. And that journey starts tonight.
I want all that is not mine. I wanted each and everyone of you because there was a moment in time that I felt I couldn’t have you. To all my past lovers, thank you sweethearts for loving me for a couple of hours. Thank you for putting up with my insecurities and all my “I’m not good enough” moments. Thank you for putting up with me ignoring your presence when I didn’t feel like dealing with you and still picking up every time I called. Thank you to the few of you that fell for me. Thank you for wanting to hold me in your arms when all I wanted was to kick you out of my bed. Thank you for putting up with my controlling self. Thank you for caring for those hours we spent. I’m sorry for kicking you out at 5am, making you take safe ride or walk back to where you live instead of letting you spend the night. Sorry for hurting you by kissing all your friends. Sorry for laughing in your face when you asked to be more than what we were. Sorry for rejecting you time after time. Sorry for being mean and bitter towards you. Darlings, you all put a smile on my face, and even though I regret almost every single one of you, I just wanted to say thank you.