He says he likes pretty girls and God likes pretty too. So where do I turn to? I woke up this morning feeling anxious and sad. Maybe it was the little sleep or the too much coffee but I was nauseous. It’s been 3 weeks, 21 days, since I last binged and purged and im not going to lie, the temptation is killing me slowly. I wish I had better genetics, I wish i was a better mate, I wish at times that im simply not me. Yeah yeah clichés and all, but sometimes myself hate is so strong it breaks my heart. See people have hurt me before, but no one has ever done anything compared to the damage I have done to my body and myself. I used to cut my wrists, you know, for the rush. I always liked a good high. You can barely see my scars on left wrist anymore. My god, im a mess. Im a tragic mess. I should be thankful for all that God has given me but I cant help but be sad sometimes, like now. But when I watch all of them fall in love and accomplish their dreams it makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I’m standing still. Is it their shrinking waistlines or their beautiful smiles that make them better than me? I was missed by Gods touch, I think. So what now? Do I give into temptation and purge every meal until im beautiful again or do I get the help I so much need. My god, at times like this I wish I were dead as to not deal with these emotions. The happier I get the worse off I become. These stupid meds aren’t working anymore, I think, and I haven’t seen my therapist in 2 weeks. But maybe it is him who makes me feel insecure, like im being lied to. Like im being manipulated into falling for him because it “gives him a high”. Im stronger than this. I know I am but im a fool at times.
Words, as harsh as they can be, can also heal any open wound if we allow them to. “you are beautiful regardless of what they say” she whispers in my year near the balcony at the Irish pub. She hugs me tight and tells me to stay strong. I am her inspiration, kind of like a love song. See, I know I can aspire to inspire but to actually hear someone say that I inspire them to be better makes all the difference in my life. They all know what im facing and look at me with pity. I’m a borderline alcoholic with too much alcohol in her system. Im mixing toxins and engaging in unprotected sex and all for what? To feel alive? To feel good? To feel beautiful? These men feed of my insecurities and I feed off their fake affection. We feed each other’s egos’ with sex and cigarettes. I don’t know how to act if I don’t feel wanted. I only know how to exist when I am wanted. Girls like me are hardly ever wanted, you know. I’m used up and sad and drunk and perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up and tell me that I did good. but I didn’t do good. I failed at this, and failed at that and feel victim to this and fell victim to that. And all for what, to feel alive, free and liberated? I feel humiliated and ashamed. That jerk Turkish guy had the nerve to look me straight in the eye and push me away like I was some piece of garbage he had already used. Or that other guy who found it funny to insult my weight because as he put it “if your going to act like a man, you better take it like a man” so there wasn’t any room for me to feel sensitive. All I wanted and all I still want is for someone to help me out and stand and sleep by my side regardless. But I guess I cant have that until I learn to love and respect myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to go on a journey of self-discovery. And that journey starts tonight.
She whispers in my ear “you are worthless and useless. Just let it out let it all go!” I believe her and I do. Why does she always control me? I thought this phase of my life was over and gone with. I spent too many hours recovering for it just to start over again. I have no one to blame but myself for this mess im in. I’m trying so hard to stay strong but I just cant fight her anymore. The urges. The need to binge and purge. The euphoric after taste and feeling. Im still struggling with bulimia and as hard as it is to write and talk about this, I think if I don’t get help now it will consume me, all of me. It will destroy my mind and body from the inside out. This is why I hate it when people take it upon themselves to comment on others’ weight. See, one of my medications has weight gain as a major side effect and at first I thought I could control it with regular exercise but I couldn’t. I have gained 40 pounds since February and it’s unhealthy. My parents and family have been criticizing me none stop for months, pushing my buttons, and even when I was comfortable with my body and proud of my curves, they took offense to it. Even my peers took offense, like how can I be okay with being fat? I even had someone tell me if I was going to do the things I do I needed to have a good body because no one likes a fat girl.
See, it’s not that I don’t work out, I do, a lot actually. I go for hour-long speed walks, do half and hour cardio and half an hour dancing almost daily at home and go to the gym when I can. But I can’t stop eating because of this stupid medication. So I turned to the only thing I knew, bulimia. I binge because of the emptiness in my life along with the side effects of meds, and I purge to take control and not gain any more weight. See, I know how it works; it two weeks i’ll be 20 pounds lighter, and everyone will start commenting on how “healthy” I look not knowing that I’ve been really running on an almost empty stomach for weeks, putting my body through hell, forcing my body to do the opposite of what it was created to do. In 6 months ill be down to where I was last year and the year before or maybe even lower, and everyone will love it. Tell me I look great, maybe that I still need to lose a few pounds off here and a little off there, but they will love me for sure because no one likes a fat girl.
It’s really difficult to live like this; day in and day out trying to impress everyone and to make him or her happy. I tried the whole not giving a fuck but people don’t let you just not care. They put it on themselves to force you to give a fuck., whither it be your family or friends or even strangers. It is like it was written in the stars that thinner is better, buffer is better and if you aren’t thin of buff you are worthless. So she continues to whisper in my ear as I eat my dinner “ you are worthless, you are useless, and remember, no one likes a fat girl!”
- 10 Things Having Bulimia Has Taught Me (thoughtcatalog.com)
We too often we find our selves looking at ourselves in the mirror, dissatisfied with what we are looking at and hating ourselves, our bodies and our faces. As many of my readers know, I have dealt with an eating disorder for a really long time and I still do, but I’m trying to take a stand against it. Here are some facts for you:
-91% of women surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting. 22% dieted “often” or “always.”
- 86% report onset of eating disorder by age 20; 43% report onset between ages of 16 and 20
- 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25
These statists are horrible! As a college student I have to admit I have seen a lot of these eating disorders in action. Stories of girls binging and purging in the dorm bathrooms is all too familiar. Fat talk seems to be in everyday conversation and college women, no matter how smart or beautiful, face the issue of having low self-esteem. So who is to blame? Society? The media? Our parents? Ourselves? Who? Well, this is a hard question to answer because it’s different for every person, but I know for a lot of my female friends and me, it has been mainly the media and society that have caused our eating disorders.
A few weeks ago I asked my close friends and sisters to change either their profile picture or cover photo as a way to support me in speaking up about eating disorders and to my surprise a lot of them did. Even the girls who never had eating disorders participated. However, a good amount didn’t even bother or personally messaged me telling me they didn’t feel comfortable participating because they didn’t want to be judged. This took me by surprise because what I was trying to do was to empower women and for the to be proud of the bodies they have, however, some didn’t see it that way. They thought people would judge them for either be too skinny or too fat to support anti-eating disorder campaigns, or that they were speaking about something very taboo so publicly. I respect their decision and I don’t like making anyone do anything they don’t want to do, but for me it was empowering. It’s something I think about all the time, “oh im so fat, oh im so ugly, oh why don’t I look like her or her, oh I hate myself!” it is constantly on my mind and even after the campaign it still has been on mind and often wonder if I did the right thing sharing my story. However, at the end of the day I always come to the conclusion it was a good idea because it helped other women share their stories. It also gave me a boost of confidence that I really needed. I am always told i’m very confident with myself and my body but my close friends know of my insecurities and after coming out with my story, they were really surprised and proud of me because they REALLY know how much it means for me to talk publicly about it. I always thought that if you pointed out your weaknesses, people will only see you for them and you can never be anything else and be mean about it. For example, if I said “oh I thought I was ugly” I had the fear that people will tell me “yes, yes you really are!” but I haven’t gotten any of that, thank god!
Point is, despite the fact that I’m still fighting my battle against my eating disorder, im really happy and proud to be able to speak about it. Yesterday, during my photo shoot when I was taking pictures of the model tearing up picture out of magazines to describe the feeling most women feel when they see these pictures, anger and jealousy, it hit me that I can use my talent to create something beautiful and empowering. So the images shown here are representations of how many teenagers feel. “Why am I not pretty enough?” “Why am I so fat” and “Why am I broken?” these are all feelings I know way too well and I hope the images speak to you and tell the story I’m trying to tell.
- I cant fight this battle alone: (seeingitthenandnow.com)
I received an email from one of my old high school friend asking me if I thought she had an eating disorder. She explained her routines and what she did and wanted to know if it classified as an eating disorder and if I thought she should seek help. Lets shift back a month ago, when I posted a little post with info about what it means to be bipolar and the different types of bipolar disorder. Just like there are many misconceptions about mental disorders, there are misconceptions about eating disorders. So shifting back to the email I got from my high school friend today and the events of the past couple of days, I have decided to write a little about what eating disorders are and the different types of eating disorders. I hope this post will be helpful to either you the reader or help you help someone you know who is facing this battle.
So lets take a hypothetical character and let us name her Grace. Grace is a young adult female between the ages 12-24. She likes food, like most people do. Sometimes she goes on crash diets for days or weeks. She loses the weight she wants then goes back to old eating habits. Sometimes Grace likes to indulge at an open buffet and eat until she can’t breath. Sometimes Grace likes to exercises for hours at a time. Does Grace have an eating disorder? Well it’s hard to say. See an eating disorder is developed when someone’s relationship with food reaches an extreme level, and most of the time it becomes so extreme to the point it either affects the person wither physically, mentally, or emotionally or all at once. Please note, all of this is from what I have read about and understood about eating disorders.
What are the different types of eating disorders? Well there are three main ones: anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and binge eating. These are all serious illnesses to have and if you or anyone you know is dealing with anyone of these, please try to receive the help you need.
Now we will look at each disorder separately starting with anorexia nervosa.
What does mean to be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa? It means that a person, age and gender aside, thinks they are over weight or “fat” and this leads them into starving themselves. Most people with anorexia will consume less than 1000 calories a day, exercises extremely, use laxatives, or vomit to help them lose weight.
I found this on a the Everyday Health website and found it very informative:
“People with anorexia nervosa tend to:
- Maintain a weight that’s more than 15 percent lower than a normal body weight
- Have an intense fear of gaining pounds
- Have a distorted image of their bodies
- Deny that they have an illness
- Among women, stop menstruating for at least three months in a row”
Anorexia is the most deadly of the three disorders.
Now moving on to Bulimia Nervosa. What does it mean to be bulimic? It means someone binge eats and then either forces themselves to vomit or exercises for hours to burn the calories from the food they consumed. Or they might use laxatives or fast for days. The binging part of bulimia is different from simply overeating; people with bulimia feel out of control when binging and eat way beyond being full.
Also found this on the Everyday Health website:
People with bulimia tend to:
- Binge at least twice a week for three months
- Feel as if they can’t control eating binges
- Think constantly about food and their weight
- Eat in secret and very quickly
- Binge until there’s no food left, someone interrupts them, or their stomach is very uncomfortable
- Feel guilty after the binge and may purge, drastically restrict food later, or exercise excessively
Binging and purging can lead to imbalances in electrolytes, dehydration and maybe even sudden death.
Now for the last of the three, Binge Eating. What does it mean to binge eat? It means someone over eats and cant stop themselves from eating. It is often called emotional eating or a food addiction. Unlike bulimic individuals, binge eaters do not purge, excerice to extremes or fast.
People with binge eating disorder tend to:
- Binge at least twice a week for at least six months
- Binge in secret
- Binge during a negative mood
- Feel uncomfortably full afterward
- Often feel distressed, guilty, and depressed after binging
- Be overweight or obese
I have personally dealt with bulimia and binge eating at different times in my life. I have been trying to receive the proper treatment that I need. I do believe that with all this support, therapy and right medication, I can over come this.
**If you happen to find this helpful or important in any way, please share it with a friend or family member. Thank you.
What happens when we don’t use one of the most valuable things we have? Let your Voice be heard. Make you Voice be heard. Speak up.
“You had an eating disorder. You have an eating disorder. You will continue to have an eating disorder. If don’t change your life, you are going to kill yourself.” These words are the words my therapist told me when I saw her on January 4th of this year. She made it clear to me that if I stayed on the path I was on I was going to eventually die of a cardiac issue.
Hi, my name is Muna Sharma and I am bulimic, bipolar, and pretty fucked up. But I’m not alone. do you know how many young adults have to deal with either mental disorders, eating disorders, or both simultaneously? Im not going to sit here and state facts to you, but more people than you know face these issues everyday. So what is the point of sharing this? Well, to take a stand. I found out that to help me get over something and fully recover I need to share it and try to make a difference about it. I am also a firm believer in being the change we want to be in the world, so I began with myself. A few days ago I changed my Facebook cover photo to the photo above where my face and body are very blurry. Underneath it wrote this caption:
“Since when has it been okay to judge someone based on their weight? or even judge ourselves. who set the standard at 2? who defines what is beautiful and what is not? Who created this mythical perfect woman and implanted the idea of her into the mind of society and set her as the standard? Why is it always a goal to lose 5 or 10 pounds but never the goal to get healthy? why is it so hard for us to accept ourselves and others for what and who we are. to the girls who want to take a little bit of here and add a little bit on there, you are beautiful, and dont let anyone make you feel anything less.
Im constantly being criticized for my weight by my society and it isnt because it is “unhealthy” but because it is “not pretty” and “no one will want to marry me”. Well you know something, im ok with that. I am a size 12 and damn proud of myself. So society, DEAL WITH IT. I have suffered from an eating disorder for too long and so have so many girls my age. Take a stand and end making young women feel the need to starve themselves and make them selves purge just to be considered beautiful.
My face is blurry in this picture to symbolize the way society makes a person feel. We are lost in the crowd, unimportant. all that matters is how “hot” or “sexy” we are.”
Posting this caption, with my size included, was not easy bit I felt like I had to. I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t ashamed of myself. So today I got the idea of making this something bigger. I inboxed my close family, my friends and my sorority sisters to change either their facebook profile picture or cover photo and state their size and a little about self image. A few of them did, and I know most of them wont, but im sill trying to get the message out there. So here I am, posting this on my blog to reach all my followers and facebook friends. If this hits home to you or someone you know, speak up about it. Let other girls know they aren’t alone and they don’t need to fall victims to societies idea of beauty. Make your voice heard, share someones story, share your story.
- Confession 1: Let’s Talk About Eating Disorders (reflectionsuponreflections.wordpress.com)
- Let’s Talk About Eating Disorders (davidemeron.com)
- How to Help a Running Friend You Suspect is Suffering from an Eating Disorder (saltyrunning.com)
- Girls face eating disorders (wfmz.com)
- What Causes Eating Disorders? (casapalmera.com)