Words, as harsh as they can be, can also heal any open wound if we allow them to. “you are beautiful regardless of what they say” she whispers in my year near the balcony at the Irish pub. She hugs me tight and tells me to stay strong. I am her inspiration, kind of like a love song. See, I know I can aspire to inspire but to actually hear someone say that I inspire them to be better makes all the difference in my life. They all know what im facing and look at me with pity. I’m a borderline alcoholic with too much alcohol in her system. Im mixing toxins and engaging in unprotected sex and all for what? To feel alive? To feel good? To feel beautiful? These men feed of my insecurities and I feed off their fake affection. We feed each other’s egos’ with sex and cigarettes. I don’t know how to act if I don’t feel wanted. I only know how to exist when I am wanted. Girls like me are hardly ever wanted, you know. I’m used up and sad and drunk and perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up and tell me that I did good. but I didn’t do good. I failed at this, and failed at that and feel victim to this and fell victim to that. And all for what, to feel alive, free and liberated? I feel humiliated and ashamed. That jerk Turkish guy had the nerve to look me straight in the eye and push me away like I was some piece of garbage he had already used. Or that other guy who found it funny to insult my weight because as he put it “if your going to act like a man, you better take it like a man” so there wasn’t any room for me to feel sensitive. All I wanted and all I still want is for someone to help me out and stand and sleep by my side regardless. But I guess I cant have that until I learn to love and respect myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to go on a journey of self-discovery. And that journey starts tonight.
It’s time to close the books on this place. Walk away and never look back. All my fallen lovers and friends will resonate in my memory like the sweet sound of humming birds. Where does your journey begin? Because mine starts here! It starts with taking the first few steps or taking the first step to be precise. My first step is letting go. There isn’t a recipe for success just like there isn’t a recipe for disaster, so take a deep breath and hold on tight, because life is one hell of a ride.
How do we move on from the things we hold dear in our hearts? For me, I’m still learning this trait. Here is a little story for you. This past weekend I visited the University of Virginia, my first home away from home, my first college, a place where I had almost my first everything. It was an exciting weekend seeing old friends and sorority sisters, but it was also a very emotional weekend. I was humiliated and insulted by many old acquaintances and friends, I felt reject and ignored by a few others, and lastly, I dealt with a personal loss of self-respect. However, though all of this I still managed to put on a smile, hug people good-bye, and wish them nothing but the best. I thought all was fine until the night I got home. The weekend began to sink in and what had just happened to me began to surface. At this moment in time, a place I once called home has become a hellhole were I felt unwelcomed and uninvited. How could that be? How can a place I hold so dearly to my heart turn into something so ugly in my mind? Oh dear old UVa, how did you turn into this mess in my head?
I began to relive the horror of the weekend in my therapist’s office. “He said what to you?” she asked when I told her about my friend’s boyfriend. “He did what to you?” she asked when I told her about the douche frat boy. She was exhausted listing to me talk about the weekend and told me “ No wonder you are tired! You have been through more humiliation and trauma than people deal with in 4 years but within 4 days. She got up and gave me a hug, told me I was in no shape of form to be taking exams, and that I needed to rest. She made me promise never to return to visit that place ever again. Can I keep this promise, I don’t know. I hope so. So this is where my new journey begins. I finally submitted the rest of my college applications. Next semester I am going to be in a new school putting UVa and everyone at UVa behind me. It’s time for a fresh start not but not a clean slate. I will forever hold the memory of UVa and the girl I was at UVa with me. Who I am today might not be the greatest person, but I know this person will one day contribute to my success.
She whispers in my ear “you are worthless and useless. Just let it out let it all go!” I believe her and I do. Why does she always control me? I thought this phase of my life was over and gone with. I spent too many hours recovering for it just to start over again. I have no one to blame but myself for this mess im in. I’m trying so hard to stay strong but I just cant fight her anymore. The urges. The need to binge and purge. The euphoric after taste and feeling. Im still struggling with bulimia and as hard as it is to write and talk about this, I think if I don’t get help now it will consume me, all of me. It will destroy my mind and body from the inside out. This is why I hate it when people take it upon themselves to comment on others’ weight. See, one of my medications has weight gain as a major side effect and at first I thought I could control it with regular exercise but I couldn’t. I have gained 40 pounds since February and it’s unhealthy. My parents and family have been criticizing me none stop for months, pushing my buttons, and even when I was comfortable with my body and proud of my curves, they took offense to it. Even my peers took offense, like how can I be okay with being fat? I even had someone tell me if I was going to do the things I do I needed to have a good body because no one likes a fat girl.
See, it’s not that I don’t work out, I do, a lot actually. I go for hour-long speed walks, do half and hour cardio and half an hour dancing almost daily at home and go to the gym when I can. But I can’t stop eating because of this stupid medication. So I turned to the only thing I knew, bulimia. I binge because of the emptiness in my life along with the side effects of meds, and I purge to take control and not gain any more weight. See, I know how it works; it two weeks i’ll be 20 pounds lighter, and everyone will start commenting on how “healthy” I look not knowing that I’ve been really running on an almost empty stomach for weeks, putting my body through hell, forcing my body to do the opposite of what it was created to do. In 6 months ill be down to where I was last year and the year before or maybe even lower, and everyone will love it. Tell me I look great, maybe that I still need to lose a few pounds off here and a little off there, but they will love me for sure because no one likes a fat girl.
It’s really difficult to live like this; day in and day out trying to impress everyone and to make him or her happy. I tried the whole not giving a fuck but people don’t let you just not care. They put it on themselves to force you to give a fuck., whither it be your family or friends or even strangers. It is like it was written in the stars that thinner is better, buffer is better and if you aren’t thin of buff you are worthless. So she continues to whisper in my ear as I eat my dinner “ you are worthless, you are useless, and remember, no one likes a fat girl!”
- 10 Things Having Bulimia Has Taught Me (thoughtcatalog.com)
Hmm, well this challenge has been a hard one. I’m not one to commit so as per usual I haven’t committed to this challenge but I’m trying. Something I’d like to change about myself is to stop feeling sorry for myself. It can be and is pretty pathetic. About two weeks ago, I was up in DC visiting my cousin and we went to a concert. During the concert the whole time all I can think of is why cant anyone love me the way these artists love the girls they write these songs about. Instead of enjoying the show I found myself putting myself down and feeling sorry for myself. Why me and why not me and all those stupid questions. I wish I didn’t ask those questions. I honestly wish I were more proactive about changing my life and how I see things. See this is what therapy is for, and I’ve been working really hard with my therapist on spotting the rot of my problems, you know like daddy issues and self esteem issues. But I’m not working hard enough, I think. Ahh see I cant make up my mind. Im unsure of so many things and I cant seem to make a decision without questioning it.
Point is, I know no one will love me like a love song, but feeling sorry for myself because of that is dumb. Time to get over it.
As my per usual therapy session every Wednesday, I arrive late to her office. This week I know what I want to talk about and I have a set of issues I need to get off my mind. See, i’m the type of person who likes to know why. Why did X do Y? Why did Y let X do Z? and etc. I like to know, I need to know, and I want to know. Along with my persistent personality, as you can imagine, this can lead to a disastrous annoying mix. I do not let things go until I know WHY!
I walk into her office calmly. I sit down on the blue couch, take a deep breath and open my eyes to see her staring back at me. I look her dead in the eye and ask: “why do they always leave?” She giggles at how intensely I just asked that. “what do you mean, or who do you mean? So I begin to talk about all my fallen ex friends and lovers and I go on and on and on about how X left me after I told him about situation Y, and how Z said I lied to him about liking him, and how I never really liked that other guy but now he has a girlfriend and I’m kind of upset. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LEAVE? Why god why? It seems to be a pattern in my life, people leaving, and ive mentioned this before in other posts, but this week ive been feeling it intensely. I feel the emptiness that fills my life. I feel the loneliness that occupies my time. I taste the bitterness of rejection. She tells me some people cant handle the truth, and im way too honest for my own good. Great, another flaw.
This year has been tough. A few weeks ago I go an anon email asking why I don’t trust people and here I am answering and explaining why. At times I feel like I trust people way too much, I open up to them easily if they show me the slights bit of love or interest. I open myself up, I let my guard down and I let people in. spoiler alert, it never ends well. The reason I have an issue letting people in is because almost 75% of people I considered good friends turned their backs when I needed them most. They left me on the edge even sometimes fighting for my life, and they did not hesitate to look back once or try to help. I’ve lost almost half the people I loved and cared for, I mean truly cared for. It’s in part my fault for being naïve and assuming people want what is best and not acknowledging people all have their own agenda.
I don’t want to go into specifics because it seems every time I do go into specifics I lose someone else and honestly I cant afford to lose anyone out of my life right now. For those who have been keeping up with my blog from the beginning, you know of the friends ive made and the ones I lost. If you happen to be part of my life you might even know who these guys and girls are. So for my own sake I wont share anymore stories about specific people. Im done sharing. My best friend always tells me not to ever let anyone see me frown because that shows weakness. Maybe he is right.