Lately it’s been weird. Weird in what sense you might ask, well weird in the sense that it feels as if I am standing on the sidelines watching and experiencing my life pass and go by. A few nights ago I cried, and I cried a lot to the point I felt sick to my stomach, crawling on the floor, banging my head on the wall trying to figure shit out. But I didn’t. So I cried some more the next day and the day after. Today I spent the majority of my time in bed crying and falling in and out of sleep. It was pretty pathetic if you ask me. I can be a tad bit over sensitive and I acknowledge this, clearly. You can say I’m pretty aware and conscious of my emotions, feelings, or whatever you want to call it. However, however, however, I still don’t understand my thought processes sometimes. Maybe it’s my illness, maybe it’s the fact that I avoid confronting my problems and internal/external conflicts, but honestly sometimes I don’t get myself. And it’s okay. You know why? Well, because it happens to so many people who I have to come to believe it is part of human nature not to have all this shit figured out.
I haven’t written in a while, and I feel kind of rusty but it’s about time I got back to doing what I love and enjoy doing, blogging. It is very touching and warm heartening to receive emails, texts, and messages asking why I haven’t been writing and asking how I’ve been doing. Lately i’ve been too consumed with the immediate and the now, going after humanly earthly pleasures, losing sight of what is important and what truly makes me feel mentally and emotionally satisfied. Ive been chasing the “dream” I had of what it meant to be happy. Ive been chasing sex, toxins and all these empty time-consuming, mental space taking, life sucking things that I began to forget who I am or atleast who I want to be. I don’t want to be the girl who cries herself to sleep because some guy didn’t find her suitably fuckable. I don’t want to be that girl that you can call whenever and she wont say no because she needs the company more than you do. I don’t want to be that girl that everyone can just rely on to be the hot mess of a party. I don’t want to be that girl with the life that makes everyone else’s life seem pretty darn good. I don’t want to be that person.
See, as a Women, Gender and Sexuality major im used to bringing up the problems we face and point out how fucked up the system is, but im not accustomed to pinpointing or creating a solution. So what is the solution here? I wish I had an answer. Well, I kind of do, but I don’t like the answer I have. It’s the answer a year of therapy and 2 years of being medicated have trained and prepared me to propose. However, it is not the answer I want or the answer I really need right now. I basically need to get my shit together. Yes, it’s that simple. It implies so much but it is really what I need to do. But here is the thing. I don’t know if that is what I want to do. I kind of like being a mess at times and not taking my meds regularly because to me, it is an excuse to be irresponsible and to have something to blame it on. God, I have so much to say right now and my thoughts are racing but part of getting my shit together is not exposing so much about myself. I know the point of this blog is to be an online journal, an open book to my life, but over the past few weeks I’ve come to realize people don’t appreciate other people “bitching” about their lives because you know, “we all have our problems!”
Point is, this isn’t a very cohesive post but it is better than nothing. I owe it to the people who care enough to read this blog to post something every few days. So thank you, lovely people for reading and reaching out to me asking me to write and update this blog. Some days, it is the love you show me that keeps me going.