I walked up the stairs to your apartment, dressed in my party dress and heels. I was ready to make this a night to remember but you needed me, so like the crazy person you thought I was, I came running. I walked into your apartment, scared for your life, I couldn’t risk loosing you over something stupid like girlfriend problems. Like the baby you are to me, I feed you, you got sick, I feed you again and tried to put you to sleep. 3 hours later you finally feel asleep on the couch and I rushed home to try and convince my friends im not crazy over you.
Saturday night you said you needed company and I so willingly came over. I looked at you as we smoked on the balcony and thought to myself “what ever can I offer him to make him love me” then it hit me there and then that it was no longer you that I wanted, it was my best friend. As you laid in my lap on your brown couch, I wanted to let you know that I got nothing left for you sweetheart; remember I gave it all up to him. I loved watching you dance that night, you let all go, and you told me that after every rainfall must come a rainbow. I should stand tall and not let this break me. I watch you drink your 8th drink and wonder if you will ever forget me. Im your best friend, I held you when you cried, I loved you from the start. Will you ever let me go as easily as you let me in? I grabbed your hand, you were then dancing with the devil. You twirl me around as we dance to sad slow music. The amount of happiness and sadness inside me were unexplainable. I was lost for words when you sang your sad songs and we sat next to the piano and I opened up to you about my family, something I never ever do. Darling sunshine, please don’t forget me.
I’m wide-awake in a nightmare. I try to fall back asleep to escape this dream, but the more I sleep the more I dream. There is no way out, and the pills didn’t even help. Please don’t let me go or forget all that I have done to make you smile. Oh sweetheart, I need you now more than ever. I need you now more than ever. I need you now more than ever! I never imagined it would happen like this, I always thought you would change your mind, come to your senses, and see me for me. I wasted so much time on other guys trying to make things right in my mind, to try and make sense of you, to make sense of me, to make sense of this whole situation we are in.
My wrists are healing but my mind and soul aren’t. I don’t need to be alone, but I’m alone where ever you aren’t. So, this makes me sad and angry, that I cant be with or without you.
Sweetheart, just hear me out, you promise it’s going to be okay, but your mind isn’t even right to make such assumptions. Don’t lie to me and just tell me the truth, don’t tell me im pretty, im too good for you, I’ll find someone who will love me someday, just don’t lie to my face. I call out for you in my moments of need and you just look back and tell me not to make a big deal out of nothing. You say I cause the chaos in my head, that whenever my life is good, I find trouble. But darling, please understand that I can’t help but be a drama queen, as you said, I’m just a private school girl with too much spare time and not enough real responsibly. Even if this were true, darling I need to keep holding on to you and strong arms and your strong mind, because without your support, darling I might drown.
Thankful for the sunrises I never get to see and the sunsets the buildings around me cover. Thankful for every minute spent with the people who make me happy. Thankful for having you in my life and seeing your pretty smile everyday. I’m thankful for the unconditional love my parents and family give me. Thankful for the pride I feel when I tell people I’m Palestinian and Muslim. Thankful for the faith I have when i’m having a bad day. Thankful for my best friends who never leave my side no matter what. Thankful for the friends I’ve made who make me laugh and always put up with me. Thankful for the events in my life that have led to crazy stories. Thankful for all the guys who have made me feel beautiful. Thankful for the late night talks over cigarettes and shisha. Thankful for the girls I call my sisters. Thankful for the opportunity I had to attend Mr. Jefferson’s University of two years. Thankful for late night table dancing. Thankful for being able to stand up for women, my people, and myself when ever I can. And finally, I’m thankful for being alive and almost happy!
I’ll write every word to convince you I am not lying to you. I promise you sweetheart this time I’m sure. I don’t need anyone else but you don’t see to understand that, do you? I gave them all up to be with you and I had the chance to be with the one I thought I wanted, but I couldn’t because all I could think of was your pretty face smiling back at me. I can’t believe this is happening again. It isn’t the right time. I’m leaving and you don’t love me like that but I still want you to be mine all mine and no one else’s. I look forward to coming to visit to see how much you actually miss me, if you miss me at all. I make any excuse to see you and spend afternoons with you. I want to be the girl that makes you smile, and makes you happy and not just your best friend. I want to be the person you are in love with not just love. What I don’t get it you tell any guy would be lucky to have me and would be crazy not to be with me, but here you are, being unlucky and crazy.
As the knife slits the skin on my wrist and I begin seeing red, my mind takes me back to 4 years ago. Lying on my childhood bed, looking out the open window with my curtains being pushed around by the summer breeze. I flip my pillow over and I realize my tears have made it to the other side. I was 15; life was hard. Mom wasn’t there and dad was never home. Lena had just left for college and all I had was her. As daddy dealt with issues facing our family name and “honor”, I would spend my afternoons with her on the balcony facing the city. At night we would all meet to smoke hookah and have sweet drinks. We would talk about all that we have done, who we wished we had done, and life away from this city and these people. Unlike her, I had big dreams and too much ambition. All I lacked was confidence. She made me feel beautiful, smart, special, and unique. She understood my struggles and how my family worked. She trusted me and I trusted her. We were soul sisters; we were blood sisters and best friends. She loved me for all my flaws, and on the first day of junior year she handed me those sleeping pills to ease my pain. She understood. And when I slit my wrists the first time around and almost bled to death, she cleaned my wounds and got rid of the bloody pillows and sheets. And when I feel for super smart soccer player, she gave me tips on how to kiss him right. god had given her the gift of beauty but not much intelligence. She was a pretty face ready to be married off to the first best guy. Months past since I saw her and my heart broke. It was the first time I was all alone. I had no one to come home to and hug. Till now I still think about the summer and fall I spent with her.
As I being to open another cut on my wrist, I snap out of the flashback. I call him first. No answer. I call the other one, my savior, and no answer. The feeling of loneliness beings to drown my heart, so I call her, but again no answer. I am alone and I have no way of stopping. I can’t seem to cut deep enough to leave a scar. I fail at yet another thing. Someone finally picks up and she comes to my rescue. I look at what I have done and drop the knife with the bloody tip. I look at my arm and think to myself “will they ever understand?”
And the song goes “and maybe, you are going to be the one that saves me” and I always thought it would be him, not you. The person who saves you doesn’t necessarily have to be a present lover or in love with you. My savior is a great friend, a former lover, and someone who loves me. I don’t know how I was able to trust him so easily. He is an Arab man, everything I hate, sexist, possessive, almost crazy, but I love him regardless. He tells me now that I am leaving he needs to actually get a girlfriend since I have been filling that void and with out me here he will be alone. I like to watch him while he speaks and smokes those cigarettes. He has these manly strong hands that look like they have never worked a day in their life. He had it easy, maybe that’s why he is so happy and simply doesn’t care about anything. I didn’t know him 3 months ago and now I don’t know how I will get through this part of my life without him holding my hand telling me it is all going to be okay. He sees through my bullshit and lies and tells me it how it is. For this I will be forever grateful and love him forever.
And I will let my angel wings out as I fly away into the heavenly sky. I can feel him calling me, I can feel my body turn cold and blue but I can’t seem to let go. I’m asleep and I cant wake up. I hear her yelling my name, shaking me to wake up. Now I fall into memory lane and I remember it all. Time slows down and my heartbeats are low. I go back to when I was 3 running around in daddy’s liquor store shouting out every curse word I knew. Mommy stopped me and told me to apologize to my uncle for being rude and I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. I was a liar even then. My mind shifts to when I was 4 and I feel down the stairs in our first house. I was wearing the hairpins I begged my mother to buy me. I was supper excited to sport them that day until one got under my skin and made me bleed. The look on mothers face was horrifying. Her baby could have died. Little did she know this was going to become a pattern in her life. My mind takes me to my 5th birthday and my pink Minnie Mouse cake sitting in my pre-K classroom. I was the queen B for the day; I was the center of attention. That’s when I learned I had a craving to be in the spotlight. As I begin to move to my 6th year, I start to sense my skin getting warm again. Memory lane begins to disappear. I finally catch my breath. I failed again.
Brown eyes, brown hair, brown skin. Built like a man should be built but not as tall as I would have liked. His shoulder blades were as sexy as his kisses. A young man with big dreams. He didn’t come from much, so he has to work to get places. He tells me he is the eldest of 5, so the pressure is all on him. He wants to give his parents the life they could never give him. He tastes like cigarettes and smells like cologne. I watch his as he just lays there on my bed. He wants me to lay is his arms, he says he wants something soft and warm to hold on to, so I tell him my pillow is right there. I never saw so much disappointment and anger in anyone’s eyes. Music plays loud as I wipe the smudged eyeliner from underneath my eyes. I look back at you and you are just lying there singing along to your favorite song. You look at ease. You are finally letting go. So I see you Friday, Saturday Sunday. I’m breaking my own rules for you. Sunday night I can read you. You look at me as if I don’t understand the world. I’ve been protected by my parent’s wealth. You want to tell me all of this but you don’t. I think it is all a game and you know I like to win. When I don’t get what I want all you will hear from me is No, still No, and No! Mr. Sunday night, I’ll see you around, darling.
I count the leaves that fall one by one, as I lay on the green grass I never had as a child. I cant concentrate anymore after last night. Maybe I had a little bit to much of the poison, maybe my anti depressants are working right, or maybe just maybe it was what you said. I was trying to prove a point to you, to show that you are as weak as I am but you still won. I got half of what I wanted since I couldn’t have you. You said I fucked with your morals; you can’t be with a friend. I explained that I gave them all up out of respect for you but you still held your ground. You told me I wouldn’t like you if you changed and how last time you let the animal in you take over but this time you can’t. It was freezing out as we sat there have cigarettes at 2 am. You replaced them all in less than a month. You are great and now that I know I cant have you, I want you more than ever. But we are just friends, have been and always will be.
As I lay there for the 16thhour, my mind continues to wander off into my lala land. I’m in paradise from this slow high and I haven’t left my bed. Puff one puff two puff three. I pass it back to you, as you lay shirtless on my bed. “What are you thinking?” I ask you as you gaze out the window looking at the treetops. You are so gorgeous with your Middle Eastern sun kissed skin, hazel brown eyes, and manly arms. You look at me and say “I thought you didn’t like Arab men” I laugh and I see that you were being serious. How can I tell you or explain to you that you are different, not like the rest. I actually want you. I care about you. I’m infatuated by you. I gave them all up for you. It’s you it’s you I want you. You look at me and now you know. My sad distress face tells it all. You tell me that it’s all temporary and soon ill be on to the next one, the next guy that finds me beautiful, to the next guy who falls for me. You kiss my neck and tell me not to look so sad and that soon it will all be over. You hand me another cigarette, you light it up, you kiss me. I look at you with tears in my eyes and I tell you want to stay in paradise, and you look at me and say: “anywhere is paradise, it’s all up to us.”