I am a GPHIB!
Collapse into me
and we’ll put all the pieces
This is something my best friend made a few nights ago. She was in a solemn mood just thinking about life. A lot of people think of her as a happy girl with no problems. But she is human, too, and yes she may give that image, but sometimes she, too, has her downs and her struggles. Behind what you see, there may be something else. She think it’s important to remember that no one is perfect, no matter how close they may seem to it sometimes. Here’s what the quote says: “Behind everything grand and beautiful – butterflies, flowers, sunsets…love, happiness, laughter – people suffer. We all suffer in different ways and struggle with various things – relationships, self-image, hunger for food, love, and understanding…but no matter what it is that brings us down or sends tears to our eyes, we all suffer and experience pain. So really, we are never alone. I am struggling, too, just like you.”
A week ago I had a nice little talk with my mother about everything she has done wrong regarding explaining sex to me as a teenager. She just assumed that as soon as I was suppose to have sex, that is my wedding night in her book, I would magically know what to do. Thankfully, schools now teach sex ed, and it’s not that what they teach is any help at all but it initiates conversation between students. I learnt almost 65% of what I know about sex from my friends and schoolmates. I went to an all girls’ school, and even though the whole idea of being in an all girls’ school is to remove the idea of sex, sex was always the center of all of our conversations. I have always been fascinated by sex. It is the most human and basic action we can do. It is a language everyone speaks, some better than others of course, and it basically explains our existence. My favorite dinner topic is talking about my friend’s sex lives and I think it is very healthy to discuss our sex lives with one another. Everything we do revolves around sex. The way we dress, the way we talk, what we like to do, etc. Sex is a huge part of my life. It almost affects everything that I do. Despite wearing the head scarf, the symbol of modesty and chaste, I still try and dress sexy or at least things that make me feel sexy. From the color of my shoes to the scent I choose to wear, everything revolves around attracting the opposite sex. Maybe it is the dancer in me but body language says a lot to me. I like to study people’s body language; it is fascinating! People say so much with our bodies, eyes, and lips without saying a word. At time I try and censor my body language at time so I wont reveal my emotions or sexual interests. But sometimes even I cant. I can’t stop my hips from sawing a bit more, smiling more, or parting my lips while talking to someone I am really attracted to. Another thing that fascinates me is the difference between how the genders receive and react to body language from the opposite sex. I don’t know much about how men react except for the physical “changes” I notice, but women, we read into everything. I read an article in Cosmo that was dedicated to decoding men’s body language. Honestly, most of the things mentioned were hilarious and so specific. For example, they say to study the way he crosses his feet, to what kind of smile he gives, to how many times he rises his eyebrows. Thing is, women really do notice these things which is what makes it funny. Cosmo also says that men aren’t as observant as women and that a smile is enough body language for them.[
Last night I asked my father when he fell in love with my mother. My parents had an arranged marriage, so his answer really took me by surprise. He told me he loved her the moment he first saw her. I asked him how he knew it was love and not lust and he told me “he just knew!” My father was married once before he meet my mom, and he was sure that he never felt that kind of love towards anyone but her. He tells me that their marriage wasn’t randomly arranged, it was fate. My mother was sitting beside me while my father way telling me this cute story, and she looked at me and said “sweetie, we got this thing about us where we make them fall in love instantly!” After she said this I paused to think about how valid that statement was. It seems as if all the females in my family have this magical appeal to them were men fall for them instantly, well expect me. When my sister walks to in a room everyone stops what they are doing and watch her. When my cousins speak, everyone shuts up to listen. Even my 14-year-old cousin can make a whole room stop and stare with her hypnotizing green eyes and beautifully tanned skin. But me, I never felt as if I had that affect on people. Maybe I’m being bias because I don’t see myself from a third person point of view or maybe it’s just that I don’t have that magical appeal. This fact bothered me so much that I couldn’t stay asleep. I woke up and called my cousin Hanna to discuss this with her. We got into a discussion about relationships, my insecurities, and what guys really look for. My cousin is kind of an expert when it comes to knowing what guys want and relationships and I am an expert on my insecurities. See, Hanna is not the image of what society says a guy wants. She has beautiful curves and exotic beauty. I’ve seen first hand the way she can make any guy do anything she wants him to with just one smile. She is one of the most powerful females I know and I love to get advice from her. To her, guys want you if you are taken. She tells me to play hard to get and to have more guy friends to make the guys I like jealous. She tells me guys wont want you unless they have to fight for you. She tells me that guys find women more attractive than women find them selves and that I shouldn’t be insecure. I found this advice to be very interesting. I’m really curious to how valid her advice really is. See, I don’t understand why relationships are so difficult. If you like someone it should be simple and no games should be involved. I like to be straightforward so the cat and mouse game doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t get why I have to flirt with other guys to make the guys I like notice me. Is this even true? I really want to know peoples opinion on this topic.
It’s not that no one else is interested in me, it’s that im not interested in anyone else
I was having a conversation with an old schoolmate of mine who I havent spoken to in a very long time and she was pretty shocked that I started a blog. She was shocked because I dont share anything about my self, almost ever. She told me that she didn’t understand how I refuse to tell her anything about my personal life, yet I post my thoughts on tumblr for the world to read. See, the purpose of this blog isn’t to share my deepest darkest thoughts, I dont share those with anyone, it is to share things that I already discuss with my friends over dinner or on a regular basis. I dont have much to hide but I just like to keep to myself sometimes, which is not a bad thing. My cousins always ask me why I am my least favorite subject and why I dont open up more. Well, because i dont feel that my very personal life is anyones business but mine. And this blog is for therapeutic purposes. My therapist thinks its a great idea for me to share more and write down my thoughts. I know what you are thinking, I hate to talk about my self yet I see therapist and im writing this right now. Well, as a condition to return to UVa I had to see a therapist. She is the only person I open up to completely. As for this post, its just to clarify some contradictions that my friends and family have pointed out to me. Also, another point, i like to share my thoughts not my secrets and anything about who I am. This blog is great place to do that.