That summer:

I still remember that summer well, really well. I was 17, ambitious, alive and young. The world was my “oyster” as they say. I was getting ready to move back to the US after being away for 12 years and I was anything but ready. However, knowing myself, knowing me, I could take on anything thrown at me, I knew id be ready when the time came. That “time” was July 25th 2010, the day I was supposed to leave home and start my journey into adulthood. Earlier that year, I was accepted into the University of Virginia as part of the incoming class of the fall term of 2010 and I was ecstatic. Lena at the time was an undergrad at Duke and I was ready to make my parents proud like she had done before. “UVa, huh!” I thought to myself. It was funny, because a year before I had no idea UVa existed or knew anything regarding it. At first my dream school was Chapel Hill, then that changed to Georgetown, then finally into Wake Forest. I got rejected by two of the three and waitlisted at one. It wasn’t easy, I tell you. It really was not. Believing you belonged somewhere and having them tell you that you did not, is difficult.

I remember that summer well because on days like this, where I am feeling lost and confused, I remember the 17 year old me. The one that was going to become an international humanitarian lawyer, and was going to save the world from itself. I remember her. She was kind, naive, and healthy: three things I am not. She was ready for it all. She was everything I hope I can one day become. But life, as we know, is full of surprises. I went to college in august and began my journey to where I am at today: Asheville, NC. So how did I get here? How did life change 180 degrees? How did I end up lost and confused sitting on my dorm room bed at 21 contemplating taking some more time off school? Well, that is for me to figure out and make a beautiful memoir out of someday, and for you lovelies to stay tuned to. As for now, stay beautiful!

Just know..

It took all my strength. Scratch that, it’s taking all my strength! I wake up with headache and some back pain. I didn’t sleep well last night and the nightmares didn’t really help. Im sweating while crying my eyes out because I watched her die again and again and there was blood everywhere. Im safe now, I think. Back to reality. I try to explain it to people but no one seems to understand what im going through. I don’t seem to understand what im going through and that is the toughest part. I reach an arm out for help but no one seems to grab or hold on to it. Im all alone at the bottom of this barrel and it is really sad. It’s dark down here. REALLY fucking dark yet I can seem to see everything, yet not so clearly. Im  frustrated, you know. Im down, you know. And im hurting, you know. But do you really know or understand anything im going through? I like the highs but not the lows. I like the ups but not the downs. I come crashing down and apart every few days and its just tiring. Do you think he will ever understand? I try to hide from them sometimes behind a bunch of smiles and sex stories but some of them see through. However, they don’t know what to do when im in this state. Honestly, I don’t know what to do when im in this state either. A bottle of pills seem like a good answer but life is so sweet sometimes that I don’t want to go just yet. I need a break. That is what I need, but im afraid to be alone especially when it’s light out. Im afraid someone might see me or watch me thinking and just figure me all out. It wont be nice if that happens. It wont be nice at all.

I know he barely knows me but I want to tell him that “tonight im yours, just know, anything im yours”. I need to get over the one that got away and I think he might be able to help. I hate rejections. I hate feeling unwanted and unneeded so I push myself and embed myself in everyone’s lives, especially his. He is beautiful and not as shallow as the rest of the people im around. Or atleast I hope. I just want him to know this. To know me. To understand me and contribute to this “friendship” as much as I am. Ugh.

I can still smell him on some of my clothes and it is this bittersweet feeling of always being reminded of him. I don’t trust men very easily but I trusted him. He IS the one that got away. But he really didn’t get away, he went away. He picked to leave. He picked her over me yet again. It seems like they always do. Im always second best. I have a lot of school work to be doing but I cant help but sit here and write how about how much I miss him. I still sing along to his music religiously and I watch old videos wishing I can go back and do things differently. If only I waited for him. If I only I waited to make love to only him. If only I waited. My friends ask me all the time what the root of all my demons is and it is You. You detached my heart and crumbled it to unfixable pieces. Sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and just call you to see how your doing but I know I cant. You don’t want to speak to me. Ugh, it just seems I like I will always be second best to you and to everyone and I don’t know how to change that. Maybe if I stop acting so pathetic and play the role of the victim all the time then I might be someone’s first choice. But what can I do, I was brought up on stories and fairytales where the prince always came to the rescue. I guess those were lies as well, just like almost everything I know to be true might be a lie.

No I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t…

I don’t want anyone else but you, darling, please, don’t be like the rest. Don’t force me to change. Don’t force me to be like her or her or the other one. PLEASE! I am me and that is all I could be. So accept me as I come, as I am. I’m loud, friendly and outgoing and obnoxious at times. I have my scars and faults too. I have a past and a lot of lovers to compare to. But please, all I want is you. Let me rephrase this and go on a little tangent: all I want is to be happy and I think you might be able to do that. I think. Maybe? Maybe not. You seem useless like the rest. But can I blame you? you’re a product of your culture and misogynistic society. But darling here is something you should know:

   Beauty is not skin deep. Maybe sometimes it is but that is only if you are a shallow ass that can’t see beyond sizes and waistlines. Beauty is what lies within, and  if you dare tell me I am not beautiful because im not a size 2-4-6, I will take your hands and let you feel my curves until you understand that beauty can come in different shapes and sizes. I will borrow your ear and tell you all the beautiful things about me.  I will teach you how someone you think is “fat” can be graceful and sexy. I will teach you what beauty means. Just remember darling, you don’t know me, or anything i’ve been through. You don’t know what I go through every fucking day just to get out of bed and function. You dont know me, so before you judge me based on my appearance, I dare you to try and get to know me then I dare you call me unattractive. Lastly darling, before you judge the next girl you end up fucking, just remember she deserves respect. And no she wont “ fuck just about anyone!” because she slept with you. Feel special that she allowed you to touch her, to see her, to taste her, even though you are a worthless piece of nothing.

Smothered:

Although I’ve tried, im still hung up on past events. I try to move on, get on with my life. But some afternoons when im just laying there with nothing but thinking to do, I cant help but think about him and the other him and the other one too. All the possibilities that could have come out of being with these men. Not just being being but “being” with them; all of the physical, emotional and psychological aspects of myself. I am longing for an explanation from one of them, an apology from the other and just a decent goodbye from the last of the trio. Sometimes I crave from each of them, in a different sweet way ofcourse. It’s like, I have a sweet tooth for their affection, like this craving for more of their fake intimacy, or was it my fake intimacy that broke each of them apart? I just, ugh, I just can’t let myself open up. But then I do open up and it falls into pieces. Disastrous small shattered glass pieces, you know they type you really cant put back together.

You know, I found a boy, a great gem he is, but I just cant find the strength or what ever it takes to open up to him. Even if I did I might not be good enough for his beautiful eyes. I try to find my lost pieces in other men, in their arms and laps, but I cant seem to find anything. I want to find something. To find the piece that is missing of the puzzle. Ugh I sound like a cliché again! My god. So moving on. I burnt myself today to remember what physical pain feels like. I haven’t been exposed to it in a awhile. I miss it. It makes me feel alive. And I just remembered I miss one other one. The druggie. The one that I opened up to because I though he’d understand what ive been through with the over doses. But he didn’t. I don’t think many people will really. I just want to strip all my layers and extend my limbs out like a tree and touch everyone with kindness and love. Im not making much sense in my mind right now. I miss her too sometimes. I suppress her, but lately she’s come out to play nice with my new friends. Im sorry if i have smothered you like ive smothered all of them before.

Okay, I had a moment today. I was feeling down, you know, I saw a couple kissing, saw a few hipsters sitting outside coffieolgy smoking, and a guy with a guitar playing in front of one of the buildings on tate st, and I got a LITTLE emotional. As it happened to be, I had my spoitfy playlist on shuffle and The National song, About Today, began to play. Bam bam I  burst into tears. Bam bam I was taken back to the first few weeks of second year at UVA and I fist saw THE GUY and it made me sad. So I burst into tears in the middle of a full coffee shop where I was waiting to meet up with a friend for lunch. I was missing uva and better days when half the shit I’ve been through hadn’t happened yet and I was madly in love with a guy I didn’t know and the world seemed like my oyster and I thought he would love me back someday. So I made a post. I was being a little OVER sensitive thinking “why doesn’t anyone love me blah blah blah!” you know how it is. True he was what I wanted, and true I did care for him, but he isn’t the one and I know that. How do I know, well obviously because he wants nothing to do with me, probably laughs at me and how stupid I am with his girlfriend, and doesn’t give a plain fuck about me. So, why am I still hung up? Because im bored and there isn’t anyone in my life right now so I go back to what im used to, where im comfortable. But really I can manage with someone else, actually anyone else to be exact, as long as they are capable of loving me back , that is all. So seriously Muna, WTF was today’s midday post, really? How pathetic did I sound, really? I just needed some caffeine and love.

http://seeingitthenandnow.com/2013/08/26/i-dont-want-anybody-else/

Im coming down with a case of you:

Im sitting here trying to study for my philosophy exam and  friend sends me a link to your new song. Stupidly, I decide to listen to it since I still do believe you are talented regardless of how I feel about you. It’s ok, I’ve heard better. That same friend gives me an update on you without me asking and not to my surprise I don’t give a fuck how you are doing. You orbably think this is another post about me not being over the petty friendship we had, and honestly it’s not. And it isn’t a post about how im “so over you”.  This is just me writing my thoughts. I spent most of the day listening to jeff buckley and that took me back to the summer we became friends. I listended to him because I saw that you liked him.  and one line, ” if we meet again, introduced as friendsIm such a loser sometimes. Looking back it’s been one hell of a year and im scared that fall time will always remind me of you. The idea of always being reminded of you scares me. It scares me because I remember what it feels like to lose not because I lost you but because I lost, period. Joke was on me, and will always be. It isn’t fair that I have to remember things I don’t want to. And im good at letting things go, I think, but I cant I just cant let go of your memory and it’s pathetic. My emotional instability doesn’t help me with this whole ordeal. I know I shouldn’t post this but I still will. Sorry.