Sunday thoughts:

It’s usually very bright out when I start to feel like this. Full of emotions and words I cant place in order. Thoughts scrambled all in my head. Its usually when the sun is out that I feel very exposed and alone. I try to hide under my covers and just sleep the phases away but I cant hide away forever, you feel me? How do they do it? How do they all get up and go on with their lives, achieving goals, setting aims, living life? How? I cant. Its not appealing. I don’t want any of it and I mean ANY of it. What is the point of any of it? Of relationships? Of love? Of money? Of wealth? There is no point that I can see clearly and I want out. But im scared. Im really terrified of things I don’t know well and the grave seems like a pretty lonely place plus my parents, I just I cant.

So how do I deal with the issue of not wanting to live yet not wanting to die? The feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and all that is in between? Lately, I can barely sit through 45 mins of my tone hour therapy session, by the 25th minute im suffocated. I dont want to talk about it. There is no point. She cant solve the problem because the problem is unknown. Or is it just depression? Id like to know. I know ive been though something like this before, my first year of college but I forgot what made it better. How do I get myself out of this rough patch? I truly do want to enjoy life and enjoy being alive in all its meanings but I just don’t know how.

Sitting on the steps with you:

If we just sit here do you think anything will change? Im just wondering because as much as id like not to move, i want to get shit started. i wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with you, on the steps facing the quad talking about life and all it’s meanings, but i want to get my life started. it’s safe here. facing these mountains. but i need to leave safe and go out, grow out, grow up. i have nothing to show for all that I am. for all that i have done. i have nothing. i don’t even have him or you. they all praise me for my success but what success? i see nothing between my fingers or hands or arms. I need to get things done. make a difference and leave a mark before it is too late. maybe when I’m 70 ill look back and laugh at how i thought i had no time, but with me you know there is no guaranties, especially no tomorrows at least not for sure. it can all end now, maybe tomorrow maybe years from now but we don’t know and i can’t take the chance of not living my life helping others and changing the little word I live in. what id i died tomorrow, what would my contribution to life have been? I’m 21, no college degree yet and no real job ever. I want to see change. i want to move somewhere far away, build shit and change lives. what do you want to do? take my hand lets go far away together and start over. start fresh. help some people and change ourselves. I want to go away. i really really do. but at the same time i don’t want to leave these steps, these place, this moment. I don’t want to leave you. I see hope when i see you. you bring out the nice and hopeful in me, plus your blue eyes are just beautiful and i don’t mind looking into them all the time while you tell me about yourself, even though it makes you uncomfortable when i do that.

Deep breaths. i can do this, right? i can get through this right? the past few nights I’ve been falling asleep thinking about if i fail again what i was going to do. how i was going to do it. I don’t want to be a waste of space. a waste of life. and worst of all a waste of potential. i remember the days i was “normal”, the days mom says before my graduation dinner. she is a high believer in black magic and the power of envy. is it really what they say, am i really sick or just growing up? Id like to know, really, i would! I would like to know because I need answers. I need answers to why they all made it in 4 years and i didn’t. why they all got to walk that lawn and i didn’t. I couldn’t stick to my life plan: graduate in 4 years and head to law school. I want to know why I haven’t  made it yet. why am i here sitting down writing this and wondering instead of doing? I need answers and I want them. So please, if anyone has them, please send them my way.

Photo on 4-21-14 at 12.53 PM #2 (1)

I told you to stop telling me to stop crying, it wasn’t helping. I know you felt confused as what to do. Its not like I was your girlfriend or anything , but we were intimate, I even laid in your arms a few times, something we both know I hardly ever do. We were close, we spent a lot of our afternoons on that balcony facing the tree, smoking cigs and talking about life and what we wanted. You spoke of your insecurities and the girl you used to love and I spoke about him. I always and forever will. we also spent a lot of time in my bed, exploring each other between the purple sheets. It made me happy, you made me happy for a while but only for a while. It was when you were about to leave and I convinced you to stay and not go see meet with your now girlfriend at the bar and you listen. I like that type of control. But I also liked it when you told me no and put me in my place. “Doll, you cant always get what you want!” you would tell me every time I told you to “come over now!”

Sweetheart, I don’t know why im writing this. Im in a hospital waiting room with too much free time to think and I picked you to think about. Ironically I didn’t pick the other one who got me through moms’ hospitalization. But you, you understood me somehow. In some weird way we understood each other. We were both dreamers trying to make it happen. We were both hopeless romantics looking for someone to love us but we couldn’t love each other. You put up with so much from me and I never really thanked you, so if you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for all the long afternoon talks and kisses. Thank you for finding me beautiful while I cried in your arms. Thank you for telling me to take a chance and lay in your arms to hear your heart. Thank you for it all. I hope she is making you happy because I could never truly do that.

A letter to him- how it feels to be the other woman:

Hey there, how has it been? I haven’t seen you since last summer, well since the first time we meet in person. I almost forgot about you but I read an article with the title “to the girl who’s boyfriend I slept with” and I remembered you. Ironically, you also liked a post by one of my sisters today and I saw it right after I finished the article in tears. They weren’t tears of sadness nor were they tears of joy. They were tears of understanding how it feels to be “the other woman”. I checked your facebook and it seems like you broke up with your then girlfriend and that makes me happy because I know she is better off without someone like you, someone who cheats.

Do you remember that night because I do, vividly! It was the first night of midsummer’s and also the first night I went out without my headscarf. You were in town for a fraternity brothers wedding and staying at a hotel near the corner. We meet up at No3 and I remember the look on your face when you saw me. I’ve seen that look not by many men, tat look of being in “aww” of someone. You kissed my cheek and I bought you a drink, whiskey and gingerale. Yeah, I still remember. We sat in one of the booths and talked for a while then went to meet up with my friends at trinity. You left me there but at the door whispered you’d see me later that night.

Come 2 am, after the bars closed, I texted you to see where you were. I knew the consequences of doing so and I evaluated the decision but I still went through with it. You showed up, half tipsy, still with that look in your eye. We sat in the living room and talked for about an hour and you opened up about your fears and intimate thoughts and I just sat there and listened. Then it happened. I had my head tilted laying on one of the pillows, and you kissed me. I knew it was going to happen; yet I was still surprised by it. We moved into my bedroom and things escalated from there. I knew you had a girlfriend of 3 years and I felt no guilt. But I could tell. I could tell by the way you were. You were used to making love not fucking and I can tell, even from the first kiss. We finished, you kissed me one last time and left. I haven’t seen you since.

But that was that and this is now. I know I am just as equal to blame as you are, but for some reason im upset with you for doing it. I thought you were a better man. I hate the fact that im that person who made you cheat and I know if it was someone else you wouldn’t have. It was nice to be wanted for a bit but it’s something I hope I never do again.

Friday night thoughts:

I’m a dreamer and dreamers usually sleep unsatisfied with life.  I sleep unsatisfied with myself because im never going to be good enough. No im not playing the victim role again, im just stating the truth. I don’t get it. My whole life I was told that women hold the key to sex, women hold the key to relationships, women hold the keys period. How is it that this has all proved to be false? Our fathers usually try and protect us from those who want to date and take advantage of us and this becomes so normalized in our minds that we think everyone wants to date us or take advantage of us where in reality this isn’t true. We are not sexually desired by everyone and we aren’t wanted by everyone. So why do we put this idea in the minds of little girls? Why do we set it to be the norm to be wanted and desired by everyone where in reality it is not the norm and maybe even further away from the norm then it is close to it. Im just rambling now but think about it. Also, another point that needs to e made, what happens when you don’t fit into the role you are brought up to believe you should fill aka the sexual desire of every male an female alike? Do you know how depressing it is to realize that you are in fact not this sexy mystical creature your male family members have brought you up to believe? I read somewhere that some women envy other women who get raped because it means they were more desired. One, that is too fucked up to comment on! Two, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD? When and why is it all a competition for the affection and attention of males? How pathetically stupid is that? I admit, I too have days where I dress for men and do things to impress men but its usually not the case but the fact that some days I do do that is SAD!!! What makes men so great anyways? Is it an evolutionary thing where we want to be wanted so we can find mates and create little humans? Or is it just society fucking us over again? Anyways, im rambling again

That summer:

I still remember that summer well, really well. I was 17, ambitious, alive and young. The world was my “oyster” as they say. I was getting ready to move back to the US after being away for 12 years and I was anything but ready. However, knowing myself, knowing me, I could take on anything thrown at me, I knew id be ready when the time came. That “time” was July 25th 2010, the day I was supposed to leave home and start my journey into adulthood. Earlier that year, I was accepted into the University of Virginia as part of the incoming class of the fall term of 2010 and I was ecstatic. Lena at the time was an undergrad at Duke and I was ready to make my parents proud like she had done before. “UVa, huh!” I thought to myself. It was funny, because a year before I had no idea UVa existed or knew anything regarding it. At first my dream school was Chapel Hill, then that changed to Georgetown, then finally into Wake Forest. I got rejected by two of the three and waitlisted at one. It wasn’t easy, I tell you. It really was not. Believing you belonged somewhere and having them tell you that you did not, is difficult.

I remember that summer well because on days like this, where I am feeling lost and confused, I remember the 17 year old me. The one that was going to become an international humanitarian lawyer, and was going to save the world from itself. I remember her. She was kind, naive, and healthy: three things I am not. She was ready for it all. She was everything I hope I can one day become. But life, as we know, is full of surprises. I went to college in august and began my journey to where I am at today: Asheville, NC. So how did I get here? How did life change 180 degrees? How did I end up lost and confused sitting on my dorm room bed at 21 contemplating taking some more time off school? Well, that is for me to figure out and make a beautiful memoir out of someday, and for you lovelies to stay tuned to. As for now, stay beautiful!

Just know..

It took all my strength. Scratch that, it’s taking all my strength! I wake up with headache and some back pain. I didn’t sleep well last night and the nightmares didn’t really help. Im sweating while crying my eyes out because I watched her die again and again and there was blood everywhere. Im safe now, I think. Back to reality. I try to explain it to people but no one seems to understand what im going through. I don’t seem to understand what im going through and that is the toughest part. I reach an arm out for help but no one seems to grab or hold on to it. Im all alone at the bottom of this barrel and it is really sad. It’s dark down here. REALLY fucking dark yet I can seem to see everything, yet not so clearly. Im  frustrated, you know. Im down, you know. And im hurting, you know. But do you really know or understand anything im going through? I like the highs but not the lows. I like the ups but not the downs. I come crashing down and apart every few days and its just tiring. Do you think he will ever understand? I try to hide from them sometimes behind a bunch of smiles and sex stories but some of them see through. However, they don’t know what to do when im in this state. Honestly, I don’t know what to do when im in this state either. A bottle of pills seem like a good answer but life is so sweet sometimes that I don’t want to go just yet. I need a break. That is what I need, but im afraid to be alone especially when it’s light out. Im afraid someone might see me or watch me thinking and just figure me all out. It wont be nice if that happens. It wont be nice at all.

I know he barely knows me but I want to tell him that “tonight im yours, just know, anything im yours”. I need to get over the one that got away and I think he might be able to help. I hate rejections. I hate feeling unwanted and unneeded so I push myself and embed myself in everyone’s lives, especially his. He is beautiful and not as shallow as the rest of the people im around. Or atleast I hope. I just want him to know this. To know me. To understand me and contribute to this “friendship” as much as I am. Ugh.