Being “different” in college: speaking up on racism.

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Gymnasium, University of Virginia, VA.

Gymnasium, University of Virginia, VA. (Photo credit: Boston Public Library)

“Can you please tell me if this had anything to do with the incident on Saturday night” said Dean Laushway sitting next to me on the ER bed I was in. “No!”  I said, although I was lying but I had no clue I was lying. I didn’t think that the incident that took place could have driven me to attempt suicide. Once I was released from the hospital, Dean Laushway and Dean Groves both wanted to see me in their offices. “Tell me exactly what happen” dean laushway said, “Julia Roa has told us everything you have told her, but please can you repeat it?”  Julia Roa is  the Program Coordinator for Multicultural Student Services  at UVa and I had previously gone to her to ask what I could do. She suggested I file a report with ODOS and see what happens. In dean Laushwa’s  office, I was speechless, being just released from the psychiatric ward at the UVa hospital and have undergone a suicide attempt, I was out of words but I faked a smile and told him what happened. “I was on the dance floor at trinity dancing with a female friend when a brown-skinned man came over and attempted to pull off my headscarf.” “What did you then do?” he asked, “I just stood there. I was frozen; neither my friend or I knew what to do. I then looked around to try and find him and saw him in a group of 5-6 white men, laughing and staring at us.” “ I’m sorry this had to happen to you, but do you know who might have done this?” he asked. Ofcourse I didn’t! If I knew who he was it would be him here filing charges against me not me in here trying to make sense of it all. 

Dean laushway suggested I fill a report but he informed me that there was little they can do about it since it happened off school grounds, after dark, in a bar. I was mortified. How can someone commit a hate crime and just get away with it? This wasn’t fair. How can a university built on trust and honor fail me and protect someone who is racist?!

That was not the first time I have encountered racism at The University of Virginia. I have dealt with my share of stares and “ahh’s” for being a veiled Palestinian Muslim female.  But there was once where I felt like less than a human because of my religion. It was on a January night and I was out with a few of my international friends. They wanted to go to a frat party at SERP so I went along. I avoided going to frat parties all of my first semester of college but here I was, going to a fraternity party willingly. At the door one of the brothers stopped us and asked for ID’s. My friends handed over their school ID’s and his response? Only AMERICAN ID’s are accepted here!! I was stunned and no one even noticed that. My friends began to beg to get in and another brother was like “let it go and let them in!” and no I’m not finished. I was last in line and the same brother who let my friends in was standing in front of me and said “where do you think you are going?”  Instead of slapping him across the face like I should have, I naively answered “inside with my friends.” Him and his frat Bros began to laugh and eventually let me in. 2 minutes in that hellhole and I wanted out.

See this is perfect example of UVa culture. If you look different, you can’t come. If you are different, you can’t sit with us, mean girls style. However, hate crimes are not confined to a certain race, oh no, this past weekend while at an international party down town, a girl and her boyfriend attempted to pull my headscarf off while I was walking. They both looked international and I’m almost certain they were internationals. As soon as they did this, I pushed the girl with my elbow. If they thought it was their right to physically touch me, then I sure as hell had the right to fight back. Later during the weekend I saw them at trinity, where they both looked at me and smiled, and the guy pointed and winked. What the hell, I know.  Here is another story for you, while at trinity I had a French exchange student come up to me and bluntly ask why I was smoking with “that thing” on my head. Now see, I lived in the same residential college as this kid, where I served on its executive council. He knew exactly who I was and how liberal I am and he still felt the need to ask. Later that semester he apologized and blamed it on being drunk. Another story? In front of No3, as my friends and I were walking out, a townie stops me to ask what I was doing out so late without a male gardian. Um excuse me?! Why did he think it was his right to ask me that? Is it because I am a Muslim female? Yeah maybe that is why.

Point is, I can go on for days with stories about how I am discriminated against because I’m different.   The recent events at the university, with the spray painting on beta bridge is proof that UVa isn’t this accepting place that we all make it to be. Even if people publicly are not racist, it doesn’t mean that they accept people who aren’t white middle class American. Best proof? Just go to Collegiate ACB and read the threads on Middle Easterners, Asians, Indians, and etc. People hide their racism behind the keys of a message board and the option of being anonymous. It is pretty pathetic if you ask me. And please don’t get me started on the rape victim blaming culture UVa has or the homophobia that exists so clearly on grounds.  

See, UVa is my home away from home and I love it more than anything. The people I have met changed my life. So does this mean I should just ignore all these things that have happened and take the good with the bad? Or should I speak up and share my stories so others know they aren’t alone? I think ill go with option two!

What I want:

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Our wants are endless. It’s a fact. We want more than we can have but we keep wanting regardless. However, what I want is something I discovered through day dreaming as a child, teenager and now. What I want can’t be bought or sought after; it needs to just happen. What I want is love. Not your typical “ love you more, no I love you more” kind of love, no I want self-destructing, scar opening, hurtful, heartfelt love. I know you’re thinking why would anyone want that, well, because it will be so beautifully broken that it would take a real bond to keep it together. I want that kisses on the forehead in the morning, kisses on the checks at lunch and a kiss on the lips to seal the night. I want that “I love you more than myself” kind of love. The kind that hurts so sweetly that you become addicted to that sweet pain. I want that crying on the floor in your arms with my make up smeared kind of love. That “even though you’re broken, I still love you” kind of love. I want it all. I want that fighting at 3 in the morning with glasses crashing, I hate you so much right now, screaming so loud we wake the neighbors kind of love. I want that “more than love making, it is soul searching” kind of love. I want that dancing in the dark after midnight singing the lyrics to a song so sad that I can taste his tears on my lips kind of love. I want that we fight till we break up to make up and start new. I want it all. In all its tears, blood, scars, hurtfulness, brokenness, I want to love someone like that. To be able to fall weak on my knees and cry so loud knowing that they will still love me after I have confessed all my sins in the dark. It will be nice and sweet and dirty. It will be everything I want it to be. And honestly, until I find someone who shares that same view on love, I’m not settling, because I do not want anything less than extraordinary love so I wont settle for movie nights and dinner dates, No, I want adventure and emotional roller coasters and and and bitter sweet “I love your soul so much it hurts” kind of love.

 

Being friends after heartbreak: can it work?

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Here is the straight up answer: No. No, no no no no! and I repeat, No!

Long story and why i think so: Last Sunday afternoon before leaving c’ville, I was hanging out with a guy who I never really took the time to get to know, which was a mistake by the way since he is a pretty smart easygoing guy. Point is, we got on talking about the topic of being in love with our best friends and not having that love reciprocated. A very sad topic I know, and something I knew too well, but he said something during the conversation that really enlightened me. See I thought it was a great thing to remain friends with someone after a break up or having them not love you back because your friendship is more important than any of those stupid things. But oh boy was I wrong! This newly found friend told me that they only way he found that he can get over this girl was by cutting her off completely. Like full on cutting her off. And this got me thinking about the idiot I liked for a while and when I completely got over him, like full on I couldn’t care less if he gets hit by a car kind of getting over.

It didn’t happen till earlier last month when he messaged me bitching about me writing about him and him not wanting to be the focus of my writing. By this time we weren’t speaking for about a month and a half, and we were no longer friends but we were still facebook friends, which allowed me to check his wall every now and then to see what he was up to. I also got to see his name every time I got on facebook on my “friends online list” and since we used to speak all the time, he was up top with my favorites, so I kind of was reminded of him everyday. After we spoke again and I basically bitched out at him, he finally deleted me off facebook and blocked me. My first reaction? That immature bitch! I had my sister delete him off her facebook and if I could have, I would have asked all the people he met through me to delete him, but I couldn’t. After a few days I began to realize something, I felt so much more liberated knowing he wasn’t watching my every move and thinking every word I said was about him. He wasn’t there to check my wall and read my conversations or even there to look at my pictures. It felt GREAT! Most importantly, I wasn’t trying to impress him of trying to make him feel bad for not choosing me.

Now, a few weeks later I simply couldn’t care less about him and yeah yeah I know im writing this but I’m writing this as a form of advice for people who need to get over someone. Cut them out. Have no connection to them. It will free you from all those emotions ad thoughts. I didn’t realize this until my friend pointed it out to me, and now here I am, writing this, not giving a fuck if he still reads my blog or not. And if he is, this is for him: fuck you! Stop reading since to you I’m such a crappy and shallow writer! Happy May my loves, and I hope this can help someone with something they are going through. 

Sexiness, is it for everyone?

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So before reading this, watch this video, as the whole essence of this post relies mostly on this videos content.

 Ok now that you are speechless and maybe a little turned on, let me have your full attention. Answer these questions: can Muslim women be sexy? Should they be sexy? Doesn’t it defy the purpose of the hijab to be sexy? These questions have been the center of many conversations in modern Muslim societies with the increase of women wearing the hijab and increase in the amount of hijabi’s interested in fashion and dressing according to trends. Just like many young women, Muslim women have managed over the past 20 years to transform the hijab from something that was basic and black to something that is beautiful, unique to ever individual, colorful, and attractive in some way. Maybe it is that whole “you cant see what’s underneath this” mystery that drives guys crazy or maybe it’s the whole “saving myself for that one and only” that has gotten guys to become attracted to hijabi women. From my personal experience, I have been told many, many times that the hijab amplifies my beauty and makes my facial features stand out. Besides my face, I have been told by many men, Middle Eastern and other ethnicities, that they find the hijab sexy because of the mystery behind it, like “what are you hiding and can I please see it” type of thing. I guess it is kind of like lace, you can see some of the skin but not all of it, and all you want is to see all of the soft skin but you want to be the only one to see it. Point is, some of the most beautiful and attractive females I know wear the hijab, and yes they might not show their skin or hair, but they still manage to capture the attention of everyone for all the right reasons.

This might come as a surprise to many people but Muslim women DO have hair, and most of the time it is breathtaking and beautiful. You really don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Honestly, many of my hall mates my first and second year of college were beyond surprised to see me walk around the dorm with short shorts and a tank top with my hair down. Before meeting me they believed that Muslim women were so “oppressed” that even behind closed doors they had to wear the headscarf. But that can’t be any further from the truth. Muslim women are capable of enjoying fashion and trends just as much as non-Muslim women, some trends indoors and some outdoors depending on how comfortable the woman is with the trend and if it suits her modest standers or not. But back to what happens behind closed doors, and this applies to women in general, not everything we do is for guys and their eyes to see. Some women enjoy wearing sexy lingerie underneath their clothes because it gives them confidence. Some women like to sleep in lacy sexy nightgowns even if their sleeping alone, I know I do,just because they like feeling sexy for themselves. So what does this all mean? Well just like in the video, you would never expect the ending to be what it is because of the stereotypes people associate with women who wear the Burka and Muslim women in general. The point of this commercial is to break stereotypes and boundaries, and in my opinion it does a great job at doing so.

After posting this video on my facebook page a few months ago a former male friend of mine, who was of Middle Eastern decent, sent me along message explaining how this video along with getting to know me on a personal level has changed his perception on covered Muslim women. It is good to note that this does not mean I represent all Muslim women to him but I represent an existing sector of covered Muslim women that not many people know about or chose to ignore for personal unknown reasons. Also, the majority of my gay male friends along with my sorority sisters have seen me without my headscarf and in little clothing, and at first they were surprised but after hearing about what happens behind my closed doors, they began to change their views on the headscarf. Point is, we shouldn’t judge people based on what they believe in or how they dress. I’m less modest then my friend who is Christian and wears short shorts and tank tops. But people will never guess because of stereotypes and preconceived conceptions of what the hijab and how we dress all means. 

“Why I wore it”- Deema Alsaafin

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I meet Deema in Middle School. She was a grade below me but the same age as me. Our sisters were friends so I guess so were we since we both went to small all girls private school, had mutual friends, and kind of had the same upbringings, you know, American Arabs who were brought back home by their parents to learn Arab and Muslim culture.  Once I left the all girls school I didn’t really speak to Deema much because of the perception I had of girls who went to the all girls school, you know, didn’t have a care in the world, didn’t really care about anything, undereducated, and plain dumb. But Deema, as I later found out, like a lot of the girls who graduated from that school, was anything but undereducated and dumb. The reasons why I thought this in the first place can be discussed in another post, as I font want to take the focus away from the main point of this post. Deema, however, has been a recent inspiration in my life because through her I came to learn that it really isn’t about how you are brought up or where you go to school, if you want to become someone or change the world, it starts with you.

While thinking of females I would like to interview about this project, the “Why I wore it” project, Deema was the first person to come to my mind. After reading the rest of this post I am sure you will see why I chose her to start with!  

 

**This is told for the first person narrative, and it is Deem’as voice not mine.

 Why She wore it:

I think women wear the hijab for various reasons. Some women wear it for religious reasons; some wear it for cultural reasons. Some women wear it out of personal choice; others are forced to wear it. Some believe it is a more modest and appropriate dress for women, modesty as a cultural construct, which goes with the belief that women always have to dress humbly in the hopes of being perceived as humble on the inside. And honestly, some women wear hijab because they think they look good in it. So there are many, many reasons, so much that hijabi’s are not confined to a single one.

 All hijab wearers are not one homogeneous group. I honestly don’t agree with this whole “cover yourself so men don’t look at you” argument, I think it’s ridiculous and NOT religious in any way, but enhanced by traditions and social customs, the Quran states both men and women to shield their eyes when in contact, regardless of the woman’s dress. I feel this argument victimize women and is already making a stance that a woman’s dress determines if she is to receive respect or not, which is objectification. It also perpetuates gender stereotypes that men are [supposed to be] sexual beings who can’t control their desire and women are [supposed to be] submissive and docile. What I’m trying to point out is that hijab is beautiful because of its complexity and differences which can’t ever be generalized.

Personally, I wore it because I thought it was the correct thing to do, religiously. I knew it was right from feeling good while wearing it. Also, the positive reaction from my surrounding’s to it further enhanced that “it feels right” feeling. I continue to wear the hijab because it has shaped a significant part of my identity and my ability to redefine hijab to suit myself.

And how do I identify myself? I identify myself as thoughts first; exterior appearances are a collected extension of the way society made me, and the extent to which I redefined society’s norms to fit my own perspectives. Part of the reason why I wear hijab as identity is to prove that hijab is a choice, and will not limit my aspirations. I can wear hijab and do anything I want, and that’s basically how i define myself. I identify with feminism in the concept of living out of personal choice, first and foremost, and equality between the sexes reached out of fighting the misogynistic norms of political regimes and institutionalized tolerance that oppress men and women alike. Most importantly I identify with anti-colonial and anti-oriental feminism, as taking off hijab in order to prove freedom is a personal matter, and is not fair to generalize a society by. Not all women that wear hijab are oppressed by it.

 On it’s own the hijab does not necessarily empower me, but my willingness in practicing my freedom while wearing it that empowers me.  Would I ever take it off you might ask? I doubt it, however, I am open to experimenting life without hijab, even if just for a few hours. I think it’ll be interesting to see if I feel the same way without hijab as I do with hijab, which is probably true.

 As for my take on muslim women who do not wear the hijab I respect their freedom not to wear it and I would never dictate them into wearing it. Having choices to wear or not wear hijab are important in shaping a diverse understanding of identity and I will never disrupt that phenomenon.

All i have to say is wow. I would like to thank Deema so much for helping me out with this and sharing her thoughts!

Dear XY- Personal:

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Dear Mr. White Man with the brown hair, brown eyes, and white skin staring me
down as I walk by the cereal aisle. What’s making you stop and stare?
Is it this “thing”, as you guys say, I have around my head?
Is it the fact that I look different?
Is it the fact that I remind you of a people, a people who to you represent an evil,
who to you have caused you some type of personal pain?

Tell me Mr. White Man, what is so offensive about my head scarf?
Do you see me judging you for what is around your neck or the lack of anything
around your neck?

Tell me Mr. White Man, why is it okay for you to hate me but not okay for me to
defend myself against your harsh words? Why is that when you speak it is “freedom
of speech” but when I speak it is “hate speech”?

Tell me Mr. White Man, have I offended you by expressing myself through my
religious practices? Why do you look at me with that look of disgust as if I was a
dirty person for being a Muslim woman?

Tell me Mr. White Man, do you know what I go through everyday? Do you know the
struggles I face as a Palestinian Muslim female in this “modern” western society? No.
I didn’t think so.

Dear Frat Boy who tried to pull off my headscarf at a bar while I was dancing with
friends, why did you feel you had a right to touch me?
Is it because of this “thing” you say I have on my head?
Is it the fact that I don’t look like your typical girl at a bar?
Is it the fact that I’m strong enough to do what I please so that you feel like less of a
man and try to “put me in my place”?

Tell me Frat Boy, what is offensive to you about my headscarf?
Do you see me judging you based on your Polo button down shirt and J.Crew shorts?

Tell me Frat Boy, have I offended you by being a liberal feminist Muslim woman?
Did I hurt your ego by not being at home “praying” like you said I should?

Tell me Frat boy, why is it that from all the frat bros you where with, it had to be you
who had to pull it off? I always thought men of color understood the hardships that
resulted from white supremacy.

Tell me Frat Boy, what if someone pulled your mother’s hair or shirt off while she
was at a bar? How would that make her feel?

Tell me Frat Boy, do you know the struggles I face every time I go out? Do you know
how it feels to be the only fully dressed, covered up, stared down girl in a social
setting after 10pm? No. I didn’t think so.